Planet Grok

Where intuition reigns supreme

Tales From the Crypt – Slumming It

Posted by PlanetGrok on March 1, 2010

editor’s note – WordPress seems to have fixed the technical issues with this post. comments now open

The game blogosphere is littered with bombastic boasts of brave HB10 conquests. Since you’ve read a million of those already at Roissy’s or Roosh’s, I’m going to hit you with something a little different, and self-deprecatory.

She was a 4. I am a 7 or an 8, depending on who you ask. It had been a month without intercourse, and I had neglected to manually release my soldiers for a few days. Pheromones must have been wafting off my skin like crazy, because she smelled my vulnerability and moved in for the kill.

“Hey, do you want a smoke?”

Me – “I don’t do cancer sticks. ”

“No, dumbass…look”

She opened her purse to reveal a tantalizing bag of white widow (that’s weed). I could smell it through the saran wrap. Strongly. Now, I do not smoke weed anymore, and even when this took place a few years ago, I had not partaken in God’s green incense for a few months. But I was in the mood for something exotic…and different. Little did I know that my greed would set me up for a regrettable situation.

We met in a parking lot at about 9pm, and I drifted into a heavenly place as the car filled with smoke. I’m sure I was coughing – white widow is the strongest shit there is- but I don’t remember that. I do remember looking to my side and noticing that this 4 had really large tits. I wanted to touch them.

She must have read my mind, because her hand slid over to my crotch and began feeling my pocket snake.

“I could so jump your bones right now”, she said.

“I so want you to suck me right now,” I thought.

She read my mind again.

Before I could bust my nut, she stopped. Wise move.

“Let’s get a room and finish this up” she said, removing my hand from her very large, bare breast. My balls hurt now. I was hers.

20 minutes and 30 dollars later, I was knocking this 4 off in some run down, short-stay motel. She was having the time of her life. I was closing my eyes pretending to be doing someone else. I do not think she had ever banged a dude that looked better than a 5. She orgasmed twice in 10 minutes* – at least that’s how long short I think it took, but I was high so who knows- and then I bust a huge nut all over her back. She rolled over, “Supermanning” herself on the sheets and smiled with a look I knew well – the look of love. With my sack completely drained, I looked down at the carnage I had inflicted on my memory. She had a fat tummy, crusty toes, and needed an eyebrow waxing. Her smile revealed crooked teeth.

She started babbling away about how great I was in bed, but I could only hear one thing inside my brain:

What have I done!?!?!?!?!?!

As we parted ways, she said something that made my heart sink even further than where it already was.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning babe.”

Fuck.

I had just taken a long, squishy, corn-riddled shit, right where I ate.

Life sucks.

*before the smart comments from the ladies start pouring in, I know for a fact at least one of them was real. Not that I care -she was a 4, for chrissakes- but still, just sayin’.

Advertisements

18 Responses to “Tales From the Crypt – Slumming It”

  1. Vincent Ignatius said

    We’ve all laid pipe on a mud turtle at some point. It’s a rite of passage. I tend to only do it with girls that I know won’t be around to screw things up for me. My last mud turtle was at a conference held in this area back in May. A couple days later and she’s back in Georgia and out of my life.

  2. Days of Broken Arrows said

    Good writing. Good luck getting youself out of this one when the phone calls start coming. Faking illness helps. Try kidneyt stones.

  3. Why can’t you guys just be honest and tell the woman politely when she calls, “I enjoyed the time I spent with you, but it was for one night only, and your time would be better utilized looking for a man who wants a relationship?”

    Why all the fear and games?

    Man up!

  4. ……….and don’t worry anyway. They rarely call!

  5. Hey, ya know sometimes a man has just got to get his rocks off, right? Shit, we’ve all been there, particularly myself, usually from a night of drinking gone awry… I can’t imagine what fugly girls would do if alcohol didn’t exist, natural selection perhaps? Maybe the world would be a more beautiful place if more guys didn’t go on drunken horny benders.

  6. “I do not think she had ever banged a dude that looked better than a 5.”

    You’d be surprised. It’s incredibly easy for women to bang men that are several points higher than them on the looks scale.

    And it’s not THAT hard to land them as bonafide boyfriends either.

    😉

    What strikes me in this is the pompousness of you guys. Instead of being GRATEFUL that these women are complying with your sexual needs, you dog them out on the internet.

    That ain’t right.

    Not too long ago y’all would’ve had to PAY for sex regularly from professionals. Now you get it free and you’re STILL ungrateful???

    Someone needed to be slapped silly in their childhood.

    Y’all got too big for your britches and need to bring it down a notch or two.

    And by the way, there is nothing wrong with thick eyebrows. Some cultures have a fetish for them, as do I.

    Example 1:

    Example 2:

    Example 3:

    OK, her’s are a bit much, but just a bit. I like the “exotic” thick eyebrow look myself, and often sport it.

  7. Jamila said

    I never figured you for the slumming it type…and then I realized that ALL men are willing to slum it from time to time 😐

  8. One Moniker said

    Slumming it is based on looks only? So one night stands in run-down Patel Motels are “expensive sub-divisioning it” as long as the peeps are “good looking”?

    (and where did my other comment go? it got eaten because of the eyebrow porn links?)

    • PlanetGrok said

      Slumming it is largely based on looks, yes.

      I don’t care how nice a woman is, I can’t be with a freaking 4. I just can’t.

      I’ll look into what happened to your other comment.

  9. Jamila said

    Ok, on second thought I’ll comment.

    While I’ve never had sex with someone that I consider “ugly,” I have had sex with men whose looks I was excusing because I thought they had great personalities or some other such nonsense. Great personalities? Who was I kidding?

  10. One Moniker said

    ”Great personalities? Who was I kidding?”

    Yourself.

    Most guys are dumb and boring.

  11. Blue Goddess said

    Question 4 PG:

    You’ve alluded to being un-empathetic and even disinterested in relationships. Then why the pick-ups and one-night-stands?

    Boredom with life?

    • PlanetGrok said

      This was a one time deal because I was horny and vulnerable. I actually prefer relationships, believe it or not. If you had read my sociopath post and other comments closer, you would have put two and two together why this is.

  12. […] of posts that explain situations I’ve experienced myself.  Smelly Indians at the gym and banging out slutty fuglies – a redundant term, we all […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: